The University Museum

TRIBE OF MONKEYS

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A tribe of monkeys met one day to settle their disputes
That they had had among themselves concerning men and brutes.
And as I chanced to pass that way I felt an inclination
To hear what they might have to say and had an invitation
To take a seat among the rest and make myself at home
Among my own relation - apes - that in the forest roam.

Said I to one, there's some mistake - explain it if you can -
Do you me for a monkey take, or call yourself a man?
Said he, my friend, there's no mistake so far as we're concerned;
This question rose among you men and men that you call learned
And this is why we met today to weigh this airy matter
So hear what we may have to say and listen to our chatter.
It seems these monkeys all had heard of Darwin's famous plan
That from the ancient Sirens had sprung the present race of man.

They sent a delegation out to learn more of this race;
They found a slight resemblance, but only in the face.
And if, my friends, all think it best I'll tell it o'er again.
Said he, I've traveled far and wide, I've seen wise men and fools;
I've seen them in the churches pray; I've seen them in the schools.
I've seen them swear and drink and fight and tear each other's eyes;
I've heard them tell a Solomon truth and the most blasphemous lies.
I've heard them say a thousand things too foolish to be told
But yet they claim to be as wise as Solomon of old.

A king, though he be borned a fool or stupid as an ass
Will find his most obedient tool among the working class.
The working man will pass resolves to put oppression down,
Yet dull and strange before a king because he wears a crown.
They work and sweat from morn 'til night, until they fill their graves
To feed a pack of titled thrones who use them for their slaves.
Another monkey took the floor and thus addressed the crowd:
"If Darwin's theory be correct, you need not feel so proud
To learn that men were monkeys once and act like willing asses
To carry burdens all their lives as do the working classes.

Disgusted with the rule of kings and with this cringing tool
I came to free America where boasted freedom rules.
Where Yankee Doodle fought and bled to free themselves from kings
But there I found the weakling sons were ruled by thieves and rings.
Then when kings and knaves get up a war to settle their disputes
The working men will rush pel mel, and play the human brute.
The knaves will then divide the gold, the fools divide the lead
And they will shoot each other down 'til half the fools are dead.
The other half will then go home and work like willing slaves
And help to pay the war debts off and then build pauper graves.

When working men were in the field and fighting brave and bold
The Wall Street thieves, like thieves of hell, was rattling in the gold.
Men boast of their religion, men boast of their free schools,
But if we monkeys acted so, they'd think that we were fools.
As I would claim the same myself - in fact, I'd hide my face
If we would even act like men, I'd cease to own my race.
I felt ashamed to tell you how the common people act;
I scarcely could believe myself until I proved the fact.
They spin and weave and make fine things for lazy drones to wear;
They plow and sow and reap and mow and get the smaller share.
And when they fill the land with wealth, when scarcely room for more
The drones will take and pile it up and keep it all in store.
The working man stands down and gasps, and raise a silly cry
Because they had produced so much they have to starve and die.

But those that never toil and spin have plenty and to spare
They seem to claim their lawful right to the other people's share.
Where e'er I went the working man never stood compact together
But ruled by knaves and party drones made faces at each other.
When Providence is kind to apes, and give abundant fruit
We don't go round and cry hard times, as do the human brute.
We go to work as monkeys should and gather in our store
And each one gets just what he earned and do not ask for more.
But men have quite resolved our plan; they plunder one another -
Each one is stealing what he can, and brother robbing brother,
And then they go to church and pray for God to give us grace.
If not, oh Lord, give to us gold - we'll take it in its place.
I found that I was out of place in such a crowd as that.

And now, my friend, my story ends; the moral fits the case.
Let working men unite with Christ and free the human race.
Cooperation leads the way, the only way to freedom;
The way to rid the world of thrones - the world no longer needs them.
Shake off the chains that bind you down and stand erect like men
And if you stumble by the way you'll soon get up again.
And if we all cooperate for labor's own salvation
The joyful sound will then resound - the free and happy nation
And what is best will stand the test of God's own operation
To bring to pass a golden age through Christ the King of nations.